I’ve been thinking about going into blogging more for a while now. I never imagined my first post would be like this but I feel like I need to explain myself and it might help the healing process writing this all out.
Where to start?!
Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve written a proper update post (since November!) and it’s mostly because I haven’t been my usual self lately. I haven’t been 100%. I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me? I guess it’s depression? Don’t worry, I’m not self-diagnosing and I plan on seeking professional help if it gets worse. As far as I can remember, it’s been going on since the beginning of the year.
I imagine like a monster similar to No-Face from Spirited Away, a goopy dark monster that gravitates to any potential negativity and will even twist things that you see and hear as negative. One day, I was talking to someone in the office and two other people on the other side of the room were having a conversation. My mind converted that into them muttering mean things about me and mocking everything I was saying. These voices would multiply throughout the day, adding another negative thought to the collection. It completely invades your thought processes, like someone hanging onto your shoulder whispering to you.
That’s when it gets dangerous and last week was the worst, the negative feelings got stronger and felt very overwhelming. It can be hard to function properly especially at work and can ruin your relationships with people because it makes you feel hopeless, empty, lethargic. It makes you feel so useless and hopeless that it makes you want to give up on everything, your career, even your own life. I was started to fantasize about killing myself, imagining and planning how I would do it. Sometimes I would be waiting to cross the road, a car would zoom past and my mind would say to me “You know, you could have died just then if you stepped a little forward. You missed your chance. You can’t even manage that, why don’t you just do it already?!”
Some of the voices would started saying “Suicide is a bit extreme… Maybe you could try out self-harming to help relieve the pain” and then another would reply “No! You might end up getting addicted to it and that’s not going to help your suffering”. These thoughts would make me breakdown and cry from the shock that this is actually going through my mind. Sometimes there would be a glimpse of light and my actual voice would say “Snap out of it! This is nonsense!”. It’s a bit like the nun that gets possessed by the devil from American Horror Story in Asylum series (2).
I’m gradually getting better though. I know that these voices blabbering in my mind don’t belong to me and I just need to keep reminding myself of that and not succumb. Sometimes it’s really hard though but I’m getting there. A friend suggested I keep my mind active because it gets harder when you’re idle especially when walking home from so listening to music can help. When I’m on the train to/from work, I play sudoku puzzles in the newspaper. I listen to music whilst I’m working, it keeps me focused on my work and my mind feels like an empty, sound-proof room. Playing around on Photoshop has been really therapeutic also. I actually have tons of designs to finish and post haha. I have noticed my design aesthetic has really evolved lately, it has a more dark and mystical feel to it? Maybe something positive is coming from this experience, heh.
So that’s the back story. I’m upset that I didn’t get to write a more positive, upbeat post about “New Year, New Beginnings” because last year was a fantastic year for me and I was feeling great about the future. I just lost all motivation to write anything and I’m still struggling. I have a long list of articles, tutorials and more that I have planned and started but I think what I need to do the most is to sit back and sort my head out. I have booked the rest of this week off from work and I’m staying with family for a long weekend. I’m hoping it make things slightly improve. I have been avoiding them for a while because I didn’t want to pretend to be happy or have to explain why I’m not happy.
I was apprehensive about writing about this and just leaving something so personal tied to my name on the internet for the world to see but it has helped writing it all out. If you read this, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. I don’t want anyone being worried, I’m a big girl I got this. It’s just going to take some time. I’m not sure how long I will be on hiatus but, you know me, I can’t stay away for long!
Much love and take care!